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12th December
2006, Conway Hall, London
Jan Hawkins
I was honoured and quite excited to be asked to come
this evening to talk about my work. This is
something of a departure for me, as I am usually
talking about a particular issue, for example abuse
or self harm or leaning disability etc. To focus on
my work – and especially my passion and purpose, has
given me the opportunity to reflect on what exactly
does drive me in my work . What I have recognised
more clearly is that my deepest principles and
values in my professional life are the same as those
in my private life. This evening, I will try to
share where this reflection has taken me.
Firstly I will talk about what I mean by my own
passion and purpose, and how love fits in with it
all. I’ll briefly talk about the person-centred
approach as I understand it before looking at the
different aspects of my work: therapy, supervision
and training. I will say a little then about an
activity which is outside of my professional life,
yet is another example of passion and purpose in
action. Finally, I will share three brief case
studies, each highlighting a slightly different
dimension of my therapeutic work. We will then have
time for you all to consider what passion and
purpose mean in your own work, and life more
generally. I feel the Adlerian and person-centred
approaches have much in common – I’ll be interested
to hear from you during that discussion, what
commonalities you perceive and what differences.
There will then be time for questions, before we
finish.
What do we mean by passion? - The Collins English
dictionary defines it thus: ‘any strongly felt
emotion; a strong enthusiasm for something’
What do we mean by purpose? – The dictionary says:
‘the reason for which anything is done, created or
exists; determination’.
Neither of these definitions really captures for me
the power of passion and purpose.
My passion is freedom from oppression – by that I
mean for those who have been bullied, threatened,
stunted, abused, neglected and often left feeling
worthless, repeating patterns set by their
oppressors. My passion involves growth, development,
connection, belonging, community (inner and outer –
more about that later!), finding and removing
obstacles, seeing potential and encouraging it –
most of all it involves love.
In my work my purpose is to provide an environment
and relationship in which individuals are able to
make the changes they want to make in their lives. I
trust that, given a relationship which is real and
genuine, which is accepting and where understanding
is communicated, people grow in trust of themselves.
Part of my purpose involves the need to continue to
work on myself – I used to think, when I was ‘cured’
I would work with others. The day I realised I would
never be ‘cured’ was very liberating, and I now
prefer to think in terms of the wounded healer.
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‘Fortunately
the human psyche, like human bones, is
strongly inclined towards self-healing. The
psychotherapist’s job, like that of the
orthopaedic surgeon, is to provide the
conditions in which self-healing can best
take place’. (Bowlby, 1968 in Steele &
Pollock 2000, p 152) |
The idea of self
healing is at the heart of my work. But self healing
can only occur in an environment that supports it.
If a person has spent their entire life experiencing
abuse and denigration, their sense of who they are
has been defined by other people’s ideas and
requirements. To make contact with their own
organismic valuing process and begin the process of
becoming themselves, there needs to be an
environment and relationship that does not repeat
the same undermining patterns – however subtly. What
I mean by "organismic valuing process" is the
process by which the organism (or person) decides
what is important or essential and how conflicted
that is with what other people or influences think
the person should be doing. My purpose as a
therapist is not to make people better, but to
provide the circumstances in which the person can
contact their inner resources to grow.
If we pause here for a few moments to think about
what qualities you want in a therapist? supervisor?
trainer? Think about synthesising all these
qualities into one word if possible – what would
that word be?
For me the key component that allows all else to be
growthful and healing is love. Of course, love need
not be there for me to learn and to develop – but
when I feel love is energising the relationship,
then growth, development and healing seem to take on
deeper and broader dimensions.
What characterises the most important relationships
I have, which support me in my work is love. I am
fortunate and very blessed to have relationships
with my supervisor, therapist and colleagues which
have love at their core. Far from making these
relationships cosy and cuddly – though there may be
cosy and sometimes even cuddly times, these
relationships allow me to experience challenge in
the most productive way. Because the energy is
flowing freely between us, I am able to be open to
my inner experiencing and share this even when my
thoughts and feelings are dark and confused.
The kind of love I am referring to is defined by
Rogers using the word agape to describe love which
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“respects the
other person as a separate individual, and
does not possess him. It is a kind of liking
which has strength, and which is not
demanding” (Rogers, 94:94)’ |
Erich Fromm (1956)
points out that “most people see the problem of love
primarily as that of being loved rather than that of
loving, of one’s capacity to love”. There is
something about opening the heart which allows us to
fully appreciate the pain and suffering of the other
without being overwhelmed by it. Another aspect is
not about the therapist feeling that love, but
whether the therapist is able to receive the love of
the client. David Brazier highlighted the fact that
for children who are abused, it is not so much that
they are not loved that harms them, but that their
love is not received. As therapists, can we open our
hearts to truly receive the love of the client when
it exists, without feeling overwhelmed, or in danger
of transgressing boundaries?
Etty Hillesum was a young Jewish woman writing her
diaries in Amsterdam from 1941 to her death in
Auschwitz on 30th November 1943. Etty reports what
her own her therapist and later her lover, Julius
Spier says on this subject: "You cannot heal
disturbed people without love". (p 73)
Her experiences with her therapist – particularly
those involving naked wrestling and later becoming
his lover – need to be understood in the context of
living a life where humanity was being stripped away
all around them. I am not suggesting that love in
therapeutic relationships should extend to this kind
of physicality. The kind of loving I am referring to
is that of a non possessive nature, where boundaries
are acknowledged and held. And because boundaries
are clear, and where necessary overtly stated, the
experience of loving and being loved are of a
different order than is often experienced in today’s
world. Within the therapeutic relationship, loving
should never be sexualized physically, to do so is
not only damaging to the client and unethical, but
it also prevents the healing that is possible where
love exists.
So, for me, my passion and purpose find expression
through the Person-Centred Approach. This approach
to the understanding of personality development,
therapy and other applications has at its core the
belief that all living organisms have it within
themselves the drive to develop to their own best
potential – given a facilitative environment. Many
examples in the natural world demonstrate this
potential. Unfortunately, we do not all have the
benefit of a ‘good enough’ environment to develop
in. Many of us have had conditions of worth imposed
upon us so that we have had to divert from our own
organismic developmental process and behave and even
think in ways which are demanded by those we
desperately need to approved of us, accept us, love
us. Our need to belong and feel useful can be in
conflict with our organismic being. The person-centered
practitioner aims to experience and embody certain
attitudinal qualities which provide a reparative
relationship in which the person is able to
reconnect with their own inner being again. It often
fascinates me how simple it seems when reading about
these core attitudinal qualities - if only it were
so! Doing these attitudinal qualities (sometimes
known as the ‘core conditions’) is easy.
Experiencing them – being them – is something else
entirely. This is why sometimes we hear of the
person-centred therapist employing reflections,
paraphrasing and oozing warmth and support. No
wonder many people fail to make the changes they
desire if that is all they receive! For me,
embodying the core attitudinal qualities is a
continual struggle – it’s what puts the practice in
the word practitioner! The key attitudinal qualities
are empathy – which is experienced as a deep
understanding of the other’s feelings; congruence-
which has two levels – the first is the ability to
track one’s own inner experience moment by moment at
the same time as tracking the other’s, and the
second level is the discernment of what to share of
that inner experience and when. The third quality is
that of unconditional positive regard – this is
experienced as acceptance – this is not a total,
unambiguous acceptance – for example, if I am faced
by an individual who beats his or her partner, I do
not accept that behaviour – I have been known to say
quite clearly ‘#hat has got to stop’.
Acceptance and deep respect is for the person,
though there may be certain behaviours we cannot and
should not accept, we can still accept the person.
It is the blend of these core attitudinal qualities
which can be profoundly healing. Having congruence
without empathy or acceptance can lead to a harsh,
punitive and rejecting relationship. Empathy without
congruence and acceptance can lead to collusion and
sometimes to the therapist sinking into the pit the
client is in and being no use at all. Acceptance
without congruence and empathy can lead to an
experience of a rather wishy washy, unreal and wet
relationship. As I said, it is the embodiment of the
core attitudinal qualities which provides the
possibility for healing and change. Where – in
addition to these – the therapist experiences
prizing or loving their client – and is open to
accepting the love of their client – this seems to
enhance the process.
The person-centred approach is not confined to
therapy, but has applications as a way of being in
the world. For this evening, I will focus on my
working life, though I do want to bring in one
aspect outside of that where I find similar elements
in my way of experiencing people with whom I spend
some of my time.
When I feel at my best in any of the relationships I
will describe, there is something other happening –
something releasing. I witness people shift in their
thinking and experiencing. I particularly feel an
energy present which is beyond those of us present
when I am experiencing love or tenderness, and
noticing that the other person or persons are
feeling that too. In particular when I feel – and
this cannot be forced or engineered – love or
tenderness towards the other, and I am receiving
love from that other person towards me – moments
like that are of enormous significance., and often
mark a shift of gear in the work.
Supervision
For me supervision is about growth of confidence and
development. Witnessing this growth and development
feeds my soul. However - my keen ness to provide an
environment where persons may grow has meant I have
sometimes over extended myself. For example: I
supervised a counsellor who managed to avoid any
continuing professional development opportunities
and clearly had unresolved issues of her own. I had
worked very hard on my acceptance and empathy – but
my congruence was lagging behind! It was only when I
felt I had to insist the supervisee have some
sessions of her own and she announced ‘I don’t
believe in therapy’ that I knew the writing was on
the wall. There is just so much encouragement one
can give in the hope that supervisees will want to
develop their practice and insights. I have come to
recognise that I can spend too long focussed on the
potential I see, rather than on the reality.
Supervising therapists who are conscientious in
their desire to develop and grow, and who are a joy
to supervise What I have learned from this how
important the relationship between myself and my
supervisee is for them to feel able to bring the
most difficult, embarrassing or celebratory issues
from their practice. I have recognised too, the
danger of empathy being perceived by the client as
agreement, or of collusion. Without the blend of the
core conditions, this is a very real danger.
Training
Experiential opportunities – no counselling training
can cover everything. The Diploma courses I teach
each focus on a particular area: childhood abuse;
loss and bereavement; learning disabilities. The
development of these accredited (by Middlesex
University) course began with a conviction that
without experiential opportunities to deepen empathy
and explore attitudes and beliefs, people who need
particular accompaniment may be let down by their
therapist. I’m especially thinking of those who have
suffered childhood trauma. As one example – and one
I feel very passionate about – people who have been
abused attract any number of labels and
pathologising beliefs. To heal from abuse, Survivors
need a therapist who is able to provide a reparative
relationship. Without exploring our own attitudes,
beliefs and experiences in this particular area, it
is impossible to deeply accompany. I learned a great
deal from a very experienced therapist who was
employing selective empathy in our work. I realised
that any time I tried to talk about issues that were
troubling me that related to childhood abuse, he did
not respond, though he was a very responsive
therapist. When I raised this he said ‘I feel
guilty, because I am a man’. Though we were able to
do much useful work, the healing work had to wait
till I found a therapist who did not feel guilty,
and was able to meet every one of me.
Alice Miller (1991 p10) says "The repression of our
suffering destroys our empathy for the suffering of
others.”
Rogers suggested that we cannot go further than our
therapists have been. With this in mind, I feel it
behoves us to continue our own personal development
when we work as therapists. It feels like personal
hygiene for therapists to me! On the other hand, as
Yalom ( 2001) points out, there are times when we
experience our clients resolving issues that we,
ourselves, have yet to resolve. Somehow, our ability
to companion and to work with our clients to remove
obstacles, sees them naturally growing. I like too
what Eric Fromm says about ‘mature’ love – it is a
love of the being and the growth of the other.
Loving is an art to be practiced.
The other strand of my interest is people who have
SLD. Many of my clients who have SLD have also
experienced abuse. The training I engage with aims
to empower the participants and to deepen their
understanding and skills in supporting clients with
SLD to connect. So often the basic connections human
to human are impossible – not because the person
with SLD can’t make the connection. It is because
those of us whose cognitive apparatus is intact find
it so hard to meet with empathy the person whose
cognitive impairment is alien to us. The training
for support workers and therapists aims, through
experiential work, to deepen the individual’s
ability to meet the person with SLD who is trying to
connect in the only way they know how, often
presenting great challenges to those who support
them. It is here that I find Dreikurs work on the
mistaken goals of behaviour very useful – trainees
can always relate to them and begin to shift their
thinking about the challenges presented by their
clients. Applying the core attitudinal qualities
within educational environments of all descriptions
provides the individual with the freedom to learn.
Witnessing that learning and development is a great
joy to me.
The choir
A choir I have been leading for seven years now has
only one requirement – that the person loves to sing
or at least would love to be able to sing. This
choir has developed over the years into one which
performs regularly and which has become a loving
group for all connected with it. For many it
provides the community and social interest in their
lives. We are an integrated group and have three
autistic men as well as several women who have
suffered varying degrees of difficulties, ailments
and depression. For me, being with the choir is a
joy – once again it reminds me of what can happen
when an environment of acceptance, understanding and
genuineness are present. The transcendent quality I
referred to earlier is present at times. I know the
individuals feel my love as I feel theirs of me.
Sometimes I think this choir has the most potent
form of group therapy – I see and feel people
blossoming. People finding their voices and their
connections with each other through the music. My
continual encouraging cry is ‘more pash!’ and they
give more pash. One member of the choir shyly told
me, with just one tear – that she had suffered from
bouts of severe depression requiring in hospital
treatment for over twenty years – ‘the choir’, she
said, ‘is the only medicine that works’. I did not
start the choir with the purpose of creating such a
healing environment. But I have come to recognise
that the same core attitudinal qualities of the
person-centred approach are what I bring to that
endeavour, and people just grow.
Inner/outer community
The future for all peoples depends on our ability to
meet each other – to connect – to share our planet’s
riches. For me the embodiment of the person-centred
approach offers a way of making those connections
within the worlds of therapy, supervision, training,
family and the choir, to mention but a few. A way of
being which communicates deep respect and non
possessive love. For me it has been easier at times
to offer this to those outside of myself than to
those inside but I am working on it.
Case studies:
Peter –
Robert –
Josie –
It is difficult for me to describe the kind of
loving I felt in my relationships with Josie and
Robert – and others. Brian Thorne captures the
essence of it when talking about the quality of
tenderness:
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“What does it
mean for a person to possess the quality of
tenderness in all its fullness? In the first
place, it is a quality which irradiates the
total person – it is evident in the voice,
the eyes, the hands, the thoughts, the
feelings, the beliefs, the moral stance, the
attitude to things animate and inanimate,
seen and unseen. Secondly, it communicates
through its responsive vulnerability that
suffering and healing are inter-woven.
Thirdly, it demonstrates preparedness and an
ability to move between the worlds of the
physical, the emotional, the cognitive and
the mystical without strain. Fourthly, it is
without shame because it is experienced as
the joyful embracing of the desire to love
and is therefore a law unto itself. Fifthly,
it is a quality which transcends the male
and female but is nevertheless nourished by
the attraction of the one for the other in
the quest for wholeness.
It will be evident that so breath-taking a
quality is rare. What is more no one person
can hope to embody it more than fleetingly
and intermittently, for to be irradiated by
it is to achieve a level of humanness which
belongs to the future and not to now.”
Thorne (2004, p 9) |
I would like to end
with the words of the poet W.H. Auden
‘We must love one another, or die’
Now we have time to discuss what your own passion
and purpose is about. Perhaps if you would talk to
the person next to you and see what arises for you?
As I said, I think the Adlerian and person-centred
approaches have much in common though we each have a
different language. I would be interested in hearing
what you think about that.
Any questions?
References: Bowlby in Secure Base: Clinical
Applications of Attachment Steele B.F. & Pollock,
C.B. 2000 p152 (Bowlby 1968 cited in Steele &
Pollock ‘A Psychiatric study of parents who abuse
infants and small children’ Routledge.
Fromm, E. (1956) The Art of Loving. HarperCollins
Publishing Inc. Hillesum, E. (1999) An Interrupted
Life: The Diaries and Letters of Etty Hillesum
1941-1943. Persephone Books Ltd. London Miller,
A.(1991) Banished Knowledge. Virago
Rogers, C.R. (1980) A way of Being. Houghton
Mifflin. Rogers, C.R. (1994, p94)The Interpersonal
Relationship: the Core of Guidance’ in C.R. Rogers &
B. Stevens Person to Person: The Problem of Being
Human, London Souvenier Press (first published in
1967)
Thorne, B. (2004) The Quality of Tenderness. A
Norwich Centre Occasional Publication. Revised Text
2004. Yalom, I.D. (2002) The Gift of Therapy:
Reflections on being a therapist. Piatkus, UK
Relevant quote from Rogers: “When I am at my best,
as a group facilitator or as a therapist, I discover
another characteristic. I find that when I am
closest to my inner, intuitive self, when I am
somehow in touch with the unknown in me, when
perhaps I am in a slightly altered state of
consciousness, then whatever I do seems to be full
of healing. Then, simply my presence is releasing
and helpful to the other. There is nothing I can do
to force this experience, but when I can relax and
be close to the transcendental core of me, then I
may behave in strange and impulsive ways in the
relationship, ways which I cannot justify
rationally, which have nothing to do with my thought
processes. But these strange behaviours turn out to
be right, in some odd way: It seems that my inner
spirit has reached out ad touched the inner spirit
in the other. Our relationship transcends itself and
becomes a part of something larger. Profound growth
and healing and energy are present.” (Rogers,1980:
129)
Jan Hawkins
Contact Details:
The Foundation for the
Developing Person
376 Hale End Rd,
London, E4 9PB
Tel/fax: 020 8 531 9760
www.janhawkins.co.uk
Copyright © Jan Hawkins
2006.
This material may not be
reproduced without the written permission of the
author.
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