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Jan Hawkins
A Lecture given at the International Society for the
Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect (ISPCAN) 11th
International Congress, Dublin, August 1996.
I am filled with optimism to be a part of this
conference. To realise the network of those of us
working to break the cycle of abuse is widening
means that we are nearer to a more humane society.
Each of us is working in a different way to
contribute to the breaking of a cycle which has been
with us as far back as history is documented. The
media interest currently is on sexual abuse, with
more recent attention given to the controversies
around ritual and satanic abuse. Some years ago it
was physical abuse. Emotional and psychological
abuse are less well documented. Yet, what the media
fail to get across is that abuse is not necessarily
on the increase: instead there is an increase of
people saying it shouldn’t happen.
More and more of us are risking naming abuse in our
own lives, acknowledging our own pain and working
from that experience for a more humane society.
Unless adults who were abused are able to recognise
the damage caused to them, they are in danger of
continuing the cycle of abuse with their own
children. If insufficient professionals are able to
acknowledge abuse, and who work in a way that
empowers healing, where can Survivors go to enable
them to break the cycle?
When Freud first declared the real existence of
trauma resulting from sexual abuse, he was publicly
vilified. In 1897 then, he made a dramatic about
turn leaving his patients and future generations of
Survivors of childhood abuse, vulnerable to
accusations that their symptoms are entirely the
result of seduction fantasies. A huge investment in
the honouring and revering of parents adds to the
forces against acknowledging the harm done by
childhood abuse. The “seduction theory” also caused
damage, by putting the responsibility for abuse onto
the child, making the perpetrator the victim. We
meet clients still who have tried to tell a
therapist what has happened to them, only to be met
with the attitudes, beliefs and judgements which
stem from this theory. This leads to an experience
of reabuse.
People have come to our groups having
been rejected by other groups, for a number of
reasons, for example because of their inability to
cope without self-harming. Some have come after
experiences with numerous psychiatrists and/or
therapists have left them feeling hopeless and
inadequate. Labels like “attention seeking”,
“manipulative”, “psychotic”, “personality defect”,
do nothing to validate the person, nor allow them to
tell what has happened to them. There is very little
understanding, it seems, of the most common features
of the legacy of abuse, which can manifest in ways
that simply attract these labels. Survivors of
childhood abuse have been the victims, and unless
professionals open their hearts and minds to the
legacy of abuse - and, to the possibility for change
( a radical idea for some) - revictimisation occurs.
The legacy of abuse has been well researched and
documented, so why is it that we hear over and over,
from adult Survivors that they have been unable to
find a place to work through the legacy inflicted
upon them by their experiences of childhood abuse?
How do we transmit the knowledge and compassion
evident in the literature, and evidenced by the
delegates here, to more of those who are working
directly with Survivors?
My work is in support of
adult Survivors of all types of abuse, individually
with Survivors of abuse, and also in groups. Our
groups seem to be unique, in that they are mixed and
focus on all types of abuse and neglect, rather than
on one. There seem to be a number of groups for
Survivors of sexual abuse, but little or nothing
focusing on the other aspects. From our experiences
in running groups, it became clear that when the
participants began to focus on their legacy, it
placed a huge strain on their relationships.
Consequently, we began to offer workshops for what
we refer to as Allies - those people who care about,
live with, are in relationship with, or otherwise
are supporting a Survivor in the healing process.
These workshops attracted, partners, parents,
friends, counsellors and social workers. It was the
social workers and counsellors who asked us where to
go for further specialised training. Over and over
the participants in our groups were asking us to
recommend therapists who could work with these
issues, and over and over we found our choices
limited. We knew many excellent and experienced
therapists, but very few who could work with
Survivors. I was on my way to one of these groups
pondering these points, and wondering how to find
more of those who could accompany Survivors on what
is often a harrowing journey, when it hit me! I have
a background in lecturing, and know about
development of educational courses. My colleague and
I had experience, and had both been involved in
whatever workshops we could find on the subject of
abuse, to develop our own skills. We knew some
excellent therapists working in the field. It felt
rather like one of those old B musicals - “let’s
make a show!”. We offer an in depth professional,
recognisable and accredited Diploma. In the current
climate with the so called “False Memory Syndrome”
lobby undermining Survivors, we wanted to ensure
that our training would mean something. In some ways
it is astounding that, in Britain, ours is the only
in depth, professionally accredited course focusing
on all types of abuse.
We offer training which is
academic and theoretical in nature, but more
importantly highly experiential. This allows those
who have completed the required amount of
counselling training and experience, the opportunity
to explore their own issues with all types of
childhood abuse. It allows development of empathy
which enables students to work at a deeper level
with their clients, empowering them to address the
pain and loss involved in their childhood. This, in
turn, supports those adult Survivors who have
children, to look at their own parenting skills.
Without any healthy parental modelling, how could
they possibly know how to offer “good enough”
parenting to their own children? Of course, we often
find that our clients are doing a “good enough” job
with their children, through a recognition that they
do not want to hurt their own children the way they
were hurt themselves. Yet often these Survivors
inflict terrible abuse on themselves, being unable
to recognise that they too deserve protection.
One
of the written assignments has the title “Once a
Victim, Always a Victim: Discuss” - this allows
students to research the literature, and explore
their own professional practice for attitudes which
may be counter productive for clients, and which may
assume that the cycle of abuse cannot be broken.
This title never ceases to cause difficulties for
the students - victims who remain in the “victim
role” (as some refer to it), are well reported
(though with very little understanding in our
experience): those who move from victim to
victimiser are similarly well reported. Some who
move from victim to Survivor are becoming more
widely recognised. The next group who receive
little, if any, recognition are those who move from
victim to Survivor to Thriver. What are the markers
of this shift?
- Acceptance of the reality of harm,
and recognition of the ways in which this harm
impinges on adult lives.
- Honouring coping strategies
like dissociation, and learning to use them in
positive ways
- Recognising triggers into past
unhealthy behaviours, and taking positive steps
instead
- Breaking patterns of abusive relationships,
looking instead towards healthy mutually respectful
relationships
- Developing compassion, patience, and
gentleness for the self
- Developing the ability to
feel in the present, and to trust those feelings
- Developing healthy boundaries that allow personal
growth
- Breaking the cycle
How we can play a part in
encouraging the process from victim to Survivor, and
from Survivor to thriver, is something which
underpins everything we do on the course.
I would
like now to give a more immediate example of what
training like this can mean. How do we play a part
in breaking the cycle? One student who has just
finished our course, gave a common reason for
applying: that her counselling training had never
looked at childhood abuse, so when faced with
clients who were talking about it, she was feeling
inadequate. She wanted to know more, and has given
me permission to discuss her experience. One of J’s
issues echoed others, in that she wondered what
right she had to work with Survivors, when she had
enjoyed such a happy childhood. We also hear an
alternative view from Survivors, who feel that only
other Survivors could understand what it is like for
them. Then there is the suggestion that Survivors
must never work with Survivors. These debates arise
regularly in our work both with Survivors and
professionals. We feel strongly that the nature of
our course allows participants to explore the
subject deeply, to clarify where they stand on the
issues, and empower them with knowledge, skills and
experience which develops potent companions for the
healing journey.
After the first intensive weekend,
during a tutorial, J confided that she felt as if
she was seeing abuse everywhere. Like so many who
come to work with us, acknowledging that abuse
happens is the beginning taking the blinkers off.
After our first weekend she felt she had no blinkers
at all, was overwhelmed by what was there in front
of her. She was not sure she could continue with the
course, and questioned her ability to carry on
counselling at all. Working with these difficulties
herself, in therapy, supervision and with the group,
she moved from that position, to feeling her skills
were being developed. She has found herself more
able to be empathic with clients where she
recognised in the past she would have felt unable to
respond. She has been witness to huge shifts in her
clients, and has been able to offer deep compassion
through her therapeutic skills. The academic
requirements of the course are demanding, and
require students to focus not simply on the relevant
literature and theoretical material, but also on
their own personal journey, and how these two
aspects relate to their professional practice. J has
incorporated these aspects in very moving
assignments, charting the shifts and changes in her
clients and herself. If we can empower adult
Survivors to acknowledge their own pain, they will
not inflict abuse on the next generation. People who
are healthy and thriving are able to play their own
parts in breaking the cycle of childhood abuse.
I
would like to end on a poem J wrote about a client -
J is not a Survivor of childhood abuse, but the poem
I think demonstrates the depth of her empathy, and
her experience in accompanying her client as an
“enlightened witness”, on the journey from victim to
Survivor, and to thriver. It also demonstrates the
shift from well meaning counsellor at the beginning
to empathic companion at the end of the course.
The
poem is called: Turn Around Mama
See me now Mama
See
me grown
I’m not so small
So all alone
I’m not so
scared
Nor so confused
I’m “yours” no more to be
abused
See me now Mama
See me strong
Know my rights
See “your” wrong
Wasted years
Tasteless dreams
Bitter tears
Unheard screams
Did you hear me cry
Mama?
Did you hear me call?
Did you ever once
fucking wonder
About me at all?
Did I ever matter?
Did you ever care?
Was I just a dumping ground
A rumping ground
A thumping ground
For you to share?
Turn around Mama,
Turn around
ME?
I’ve turned inside
out
Upside down
To and fro
I’ve been to places where
There was no place to go.
I’ve been to Hell Mama
But
I’m getting well Mamma
I’m finally being “cared” for
So I’ll be your “bloody victim” no more!
JC 1996.
Jan Hawkins
Contact Details:
The Foundation for the
Developing Person
376 Hale End Rd,
London, E4 9PB
Tel/fax: 020 8 531 9760
www.janhawkins.co.uk
Copyright © Jan Hawkins 1996.
This material may not be
reproduced without the written permission of the
author.
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